The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
