If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
