My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
