I want to walk on stilts...naked
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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