In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
tell your sister to shave her snatch
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize