i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
