why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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