I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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