if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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