Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
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