Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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