she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
