Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Randomize
