I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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