I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
