Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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