Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Randomize
