I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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