I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
