yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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