Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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