I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
So here I am, sexting at work.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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