If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Randomize
