saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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