I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
