i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
