I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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