I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
