happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
