god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Randomize
