These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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