just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
