I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
