what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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