dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Randomize
