o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
