Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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