And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize