Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Randomize
