Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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