i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
