i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
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