Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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