As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
