i wish there were pregnant emoticons
he thought i was a dude.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Randomize
