So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
