First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
We are all done wearing pants today
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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