Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
