dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
