I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
3 2 1 whiskey
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
