Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
