I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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