I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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