They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
My bed is full of blood and feathers
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
