clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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