I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize