It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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