I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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