It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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