I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
