Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
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