His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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